“Mental Health” Archive
Jun
14
Last night I watched ‘Maxed Out’, written and directed by James Scurlock. For anyone in credit card debt, this should be required viewing. One of the elements of the film I found most interesting was the segment on credit card marketing on college campuses. In the post ‘How Did I Get So Far In Debt’, I mentioned that I feel my problem with credit cards began in college, where is was AMAZINGLY easy to secure credit cards. The film has a great segment on how and why credit card marketers focus on college students. The bottom line, as you might well imagine, is that they are incredibly profitable.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT
The really disturbing part about the segment involved two mothers from Oklahoma, both of which had children (a son and daughter respectively) in college who found themselves getting credit card after credit card. At one point, one of the students had secured 12–yes you read that right–credit cards. Both of these students were struggling to make ends meet, while attending college full-time. Ultimately, both of these students ended up committing suicide because they couldn’t keep up with their debts. This is where I just about fell out of my seat.
I can completely relate to the feeling of being trapped and helpless because of the tremendous amount of debt I find myself in. Yes, I have, at various points, contemplated ending my life to escape from it all. This is the major reason I am now undergoing intensive outpatient treatment (I’m writing this before I head to my treatment today). The Poll of The Weekis only a few days in, but the results so far confirm exactly what I thought would be the case; debt can cause serious mental health issues. There are only 21 votes so far on the poll, but an AMAZING 81% of folks report having their mental health impacted by debt, some even reporting their physical health being impacted simultaneously. I’m truly floored by this. If anyone out there feels so overwhelmed by the debt that you feel trapped, are depressed or even more serious, are considering suicide as the answer, PLEASE GET HELP! If you are in a crisis, please pick up your phone and call a Crisis Line.
I am coming to terms with my debt and the fact that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. It will involve hard work and sacrifice to get there but I WILL get there. I don’t think that I have mentioned this in any prior posts, but when I am debt free, I will be revealing my identity publicly. Greg Hunter at CNN mentioned he would be doing at least one follow-up story with me so hopefully I will be able to reveal my identity to everyone in a very public setting.
Jun
12
So I will not be having to check myself in anywhere but I will be doing an intensive outpatient program over the next 7-10 days in order to sort through the rather serious funk I find myself in. As I said, I think it is a combination of many different feelings, regret, anger, frustration, feeling trapped, guilt, shame and whole host of other emotions. In addition, my daughter’s birthday is coming up in two weeks and I think that realization just reminded me about how bad I have messed things up, at least to this point. That said, there is a glimmer of hope. I CAN change things going forward and frankly when I look back on my posts from two months ago, I really had NO plan whatsoever to conquer this debt. I now have a plan, actionable takeaways and although the light is distant, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. If nothing else, I am going to learn the value of hard work, discipline and sacrifice, all good lessons for my daughter to learn.
I wanted to thank ALL of you who made comments earlier today. They really kept me level headed and made me want to take charge of things and get well again. I plan to do a lot of exploring of the emotions I have surrounding this debt. I know several of my readers are craving some more context to my debt and want to know the impact it has taken on me, other than in my pocketbook. Well, stay tuned because I think you are going to get exactly what you want. This blog truly is like therapy for me and I am truly humbled by the fact that my writing has inspired, soothed, or otherwise given hope to someone. I’m glad I could rely on my readers today for some ‘handholding’. Thanks again everyone and stay tuned for some interesting and revealing posts over the next few weeks.
Jun
12
I think my biggest issue right now is that I feel like a complete failure. I did things during my marriage, both financially and non-financial to cause my marriage to end, so I failed as a husband, as a life partner. I also feel like a failure as a father. Due to the distance and expense, I only see my daughter once a month at best, and even then it is usually for 2-3 days. This debt is like a huge ball and chain and I cannot support my daughter the way I would like. I can barely meet my child support obligations. I just feel like I have let my daughter down tremendously by putting myself in the situation I am in. She is too young to understand things, this is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have tremendous guilt and shame about all of this. It is the guilt, shame and seeming inability to control it all, that has my head spinning these days. I know ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ but it is difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel. The math just doesn’t work. Maybe I should have put a donation button up after all in case some ‘angel investor’ came my way. Ah, wishful thinking I know but it made me feel better for a second.
Jun
12
As I revealed somewhere in a prior post, I have bipolar disorder and this, at least in my opinion, when undiagnosed contributed to my overspending and reckless financial and other behaviors. Well in the last few days, the reality of this whole thing has really hit me hard. My bank accounts are nearly depleted between paychecks, my credit score is now under 500 and although there is a plan to pay off this debt, it does seem completely overwhelming and over the past two days I have been overwhelmed with guilt, shame, anger, depression and thoughts about things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I’m about to call my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and hopefully I will be able to meet with my doctor today.
I’ll keep everyone posted but depending on what happens, I may have to take a temporary break from posting.
UPDATE: After speaking with my EAP, they have advised me to go to an Emergency Room so I can get some immediate care. I’m arranging for someone to care for my dog in the event I end up in the hospital for a few days.
